I’ve missed you.
What does my lack of presence to you mean? It’s like when I all of a sudden disappear from girlfriends and my family. There can only be one answer. There’s a boy who has swept me off my feet. And there’s no where else in this world that I can or want to be.
I’m embarrassed to see how long its been since my last post. And even more embarrassed to see what my last interaction had been. I forget which one of my good, good, girlfriends I was chit-chatting with about this blog and the repercussions I may have to face if these men ever read/found it. Or even more so, what Rebound Babe might think if he were to ever come across this blog. Now, I’ve tried hard to block out my true identity to this blog, but anyone who is really looking can obviously try to find it. I’ve tried to mask names and such, but I suppose anyone who knows me will know who each one of these significant characters are. But oh well. Fuck it. If someone really wants to find it that hard… oh the fuck well.
So what has happened as of recent? Well, before my date with The Great Debate, I had been stressed out about my feelings for Rebound Babe. Really because of how strongly and quickly I was falling for him. I expressed it multiple times, and to multiple people. Even felt as though I had to keep dating other men to make sure that I wasn’t just rebounding. After having a deep convo with Dreads about this whole topic, it made me take a step back, and take pause as to why I kept questioning why it was moving so damn fast. If I’m questioning my actions… it’s almost as if my brain is taking over and saying, “Hold up a sec, I’m in charge now.” And I listened. And the guard came up. The walls that I’ve taken years to build with not just brick and mortar, but with bulletproof Kevlar coating, my kryponite shield… popped right back up like the security blanket that I needed it to be. And just like that… I took a few steps back in the progression of our relationship.
That very next weekend, I had a long awaited Brudder-Sidder Date. In layman’s terms: my brother and I went out on the town, ate shitty food, watched a movie, and got drunk AF. So of course topics come up like, “Have you talked to #whiteboy?” or “How are you doing?” or “Are you dating anyone right now?” And of course, I bring up Rebound Babe. Nothing of all these failed internet dates… but just only of Rebound Babe. As the night continues on, Rebound Babe pops into conversations and my insecurities of where this going with the two of us. And Brudder of course says some deep eloquent shit. But essentially his words were something like, “Stop trying to fast forward everything into doom. If you keep trying to find the negatives in every relationship instead of enjoying the ride while you’re there… it’ll all crash down before you even get a chance to enjoy how beautiful it was. You’ll always find a negative, if that’s what you’re looking for. If he’s treating you great… then let him fucking treat you great!”
Shortly after our Brudder-Sidder Date, Tinder was deleted. Bumble was deleted. eHarmony was deleted.
And just like that, that Trump Wall that divides America and Mexico came crashing down. And I allowed all the feels, the insecurities, the vulnerability, the sadness, the dreams, the hopes, and all the “The…’s” to come rushing in. What’s crazy is the moment I let myself feel, and just be… is when everything really started to fit into place. That instead of me breaking down a wall, what was really happening is that the two of us together, have been creating columns, and support beams to a future that we are building together.
We have just celebrated the holidays together. Our very first Holiday. Thanksgiving. Christmas. New Years. Separate and Together. It seemed strange to have these feelings of love towards one another, and not being able to BE with one another on those days. Yet, at the same time, I don’t know how comfortable I would have been having Rebound Babe at my family Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner tables. I know that I wasn’t quite ready to have a new person come to meet my family yet… or maybe I just wasn’t ready to answer all the questions about who he is… and am I moving too fast. But regardless of all of that, there was a wave of sadness that crept over me during the holidays as I celebrated them alone at my family’s house; and as Rebound Babe celebrated over at his family’s house. Something didn’t seem right about our separate celebrations, yet I knew it was the right thing to do. New Years we finally were able to share the entire weekend together and did the ceremonial countdown. Shouting down “THREE”, “TWO” and then as he always knows to do… his hand whips around my hips and draws me close… “ONE”! Eyes Lock… “Happy New Year, Mama! I love you!”
“…and I love you, my baby!” I reply back.