The Good on Paper Guy

When we girls make our wish list of what we’re looking for in a man, it sounds a little something like this:

– respectful
– handsome
– funny
– educated
– faithful
– ambitious
– has money
– sensitive
– thoughtful
– clever
I’m sure that this list can just continue on and on and on. But why is it that when Said man appears… there’s no spark? There’s no YOWZA! Or desire to touch him.  It makes me first think that… maybe there’s something wrong with me.  But the other side of me thinks that maybe my wishlist is completely wrong.  And that the things that I THINK I want… aren’t what I want at all.  Maybe there’s an underlying side of me that wants the loser boyfriend who couch surfs and makes minimum wage for the rest of life. Or the boyfriend who says I’m the only one, and the tomorrow night he’s  saying the same thing to Susan.  Or the boyfriend who’ll never ever commit.  Or the boyfriend who doesn’t know how to control his drinking, drugs, gambling, or video game habit.

So this has made me want to do a little research on what it is that attracts us to one another.  Multiple articles from multiple sources such as Huffington Post, Men’s Health or Psychology Today all have similar stories ranging from physical appearance, aroma even the pitch of voice that draw the opposite sex towards one another.  The most interesting fact that I found was how a women can change her idea of what she finds attractive depending on where she was in her cycle, and even more so how much of that can change if you are on hormonal birth control.  Essentially depending upon which a women is looking for:  a women will chose a man of “better genetic stock” when it comes to trying to satisfying a need.  Unfortunately, this also means that they will probably treat you less desirably and will not be a good paternal investment.  Or, when looking to nest, a women will often chose a man with lower “genetic stock”, aka softer, more feminine features.  Essentially it’s saying that a woman will choose to settle down with someone she finds slightly less attractive than her hot, hot next-door neighbor.

This has also made me think back to many of the men I “dated” and compared them to my ex-boyfriends.  Did this research ring true?  Actually.  Yes!  None of my boyfriends were at first glance, HOT.  They were all the “Once you get to know them…” guys.  Or the “But he’s so funny…” guys.  Or the “He treats me really well…” guys.  All the guys I “dated” kinda fell into that “better genetic stock” category: tall, dark, handsome, strong jawline, muscular build, etc.  I hate to think that I am just like the rest… and I fall in line to a statistic like every other basic bitch.

This leads to me the point of this post.  So remember Brunch Dude who I flaked on?  Well, in my boredom this week I decided to reach back out and see what he was doing.  I casually sent a text something like, “Plans later?  Wanna go out for Taco Tuesday?”  He replies back almost immediately and says that he’ll be home a little later, but would love to.  Immediately after I get confirmation of my evening plans, I hop onto Tinder, in my usual re-investigative approach and peep some photos and review the little bio.  As I scroll through all the meaningless conversations, in search of ours… I realize that it’s no longer there!  I’m curious if he un-matched me because I flaked on him.  Or did he remove himself from Tinder completely.   Regardless of his decision, I’m pissed.  Great!  I don’t even remember WTF this guy looks like, except I remember that he was holding a camera in a lot of his pics.  Was he fat?  Skinny?  Tall?  How did he dress?  I really couldn’t remember a goddamn thing.  Which is making me regret making plans with this guy at all.  To which I lounge around the apartment, not even trying to give 2 Fucks about the outfit I’m supposed to wear tonight.  Scratch that.  I’m not giving 1 Fuck.  Which, as you all should know by now, means a lot.

He texts me around 9 and says, “Let’s meet across the way at the Hotel Bar.” I literally throw on a whatever outfit, which barely matches/goes together.  But I’m curious if it has that LA-Hipster-DGAF look, or it it literally looks like This-Bitch-Just-Rolled-Out-Of-Bed look.  Which honestly… is kinda what I did.  As I make my way across the street from our same apartment, I text my Good Good Girlfriends and tell them what’s going on.  They laugh at me as they can sense my lack exhilaration for the date. What’s wrong with me?!  I literally complain that I haven’t gone on any dates, and then when one arises, I’m bored before it starts.  As I wait for the light to signal “walk”, I glance over and see Brunch Dude half-way down the crosswalk making his way towards me.  All I can think is, “Yup, not at all what I remember his pictures looking like.”  We greet each other with a quick hug, and at that moment the light signals our safety to walk across.

The hotel bar is it’s usual Posh, Modern ambiance, which I love.  There’s something sexy about hotel lobby bars.  I’m not sure if it’s all the strangers in one room trying to socialize and get out of their loner existence locked up in their room.  Or if it’s a feeling that you get reminiscing about being on vacation.  Regardless, I love hotel bars.  Anyway, Brunch Dude and I make our way over to the lobby bar, and he takes charge by walking slightly ahead and leading the way.  He selects 2 chairs at the end of the bar, and pulls out the stool so I can easily sit in, and checks under the bar top to see if there’s a place to sling my purse.  That’s a new one for me, I didn’t think men realized that we looked for that the moment we sat down.  Ok, BD… you get 1 point there.  He greets the bartender and asks for a menu as I finally take a moment to peep his outfit.  Canadian tuxedo (with varying shades of blue denim), jeans slightly ripped/distressed, Patterned Shirt with a cool design and color scheme, NY baseball hat, and Dunks.  OK, BD, OK… you got some flavor.  Maybe there’s another point for you.

He makes small convo about the feel of the hotel, as we glance over the drink menu and chat about our favorite type of liquor.  Bourbon for him; and of course, Tequila for me.  He orders both of our drinks, and I’m a little impressed by the bourbon’s that he’s asking to make his Manhattan up.  Hm…. it’s been a while since I’ve been out with a guy who knows how he likes his cocktails.  Ok… one more point for you.

Our night goes on pretty fluidly, with no break in good conversation.  He’s eloquent in how he speaks, well traveled, open-minded, definitely seems educated. Is very thoughtful in how he converses, which is a little of a relief!  Most people I meet these days don’t quite know how to have a conversation.  Usually its like FuqBoi and his random ramblings of nonsense.  But this guy takes the time to tell great, descriptive stories that are captivating.  And then makes sure to ask questions about myself or how it could relate to what he just told.  BD tells me that he just got back from a 6-week adventure traveling all throughout Africa, describing to me about swimming with sharks, and taking all day treks to get to the top of an active volcano.  I’m mesmerized.  This hasn’t happened to me in a while.  There’s a few more points for you.

As I laugh and enjoy my time with him, he laughs as well, and throws out a litmus test, and reaches his hand out and touches my leg.

I don’t quite shudder.  But there’s definitely no sizzle of electricity.

I try not to make it a big deal, and continue on with our conversation, with no reciprocation of affection.

As I’m telling a story, the thoughts inside my head are racing and ping-ponging back and forth.  Glancing at his face, and I am seeing 100% no attraction to him, all those points he gained are now in the negative.  I want to say it has something to do with his eyes.  There was a yellow-ish tint to them.  Almost like he has been sick, or took a huge bong-toke right before he left to come meet with me.  I’m trying not to show my disinterest, but he’s really funny, and a great conversationalist.  All I can think was, “Damn, I hope we stay friends.” and “I really have to hook this guy up with one of my friends.  He’s too good of a guy, one of my friends has to date this guy… just not me.”

We end the night slightly early, and make our walk across the street to go home.  And I notice that he makes every effort to touch the cross-walk signals and makes sure that I’m walking on the inside of the street… a lot of that gentleman charm that I honestly don’t see very often anymore.  Damn!  Why can’t I be attracted to you?  We get to our gate and I give him the un-sexy Homie-Hug goodnight, tell him that I had a great time and good-night.  He wishes me the same and we part ways to our own towers.  Again, all I can think is damn… what a great guy.  Who can I hook him up with?

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