Premature L-jaculation

I remember when I was with #whiteboy, we would often be bored and were constantly looking for things to do.  Almost like we were outcast-ed from our friends because we were a couple.  Not necessarily because we were the obnoxious couple with the constant PDA… but I think possibly just because we were a couple.  So we had to find activities to do with one another, which I loved… no complaints here.  But I definitely remember there being a lull in our social engagements.

However now, in this #SingleLife… I notice how quickly my social calendar has been filled up.  Most of it is by my doing, often times double booking on days.  Possibly because I don’t want to feel the loneliness creep in making me miss the comfort of my DVR and #whiteboy nights.  Which to be completely honest… I am missing him quite a bit.  I’m not too sure why, considering Rebound Babe has been supplying me with more affection and attention than I expected.  But maybe this topic should be discussed on another post.

This past week I was inundated with a hectic work week that didn’t allow the Mo-Time that I need to feel complete and whole.  The time that I need to work out, veg out in front of the tv, compile my thoughts together to write a decent post, or to read a couple more poems from The Dead Emcee Scrolls.  On top of the busy work week, for the weekend I had scheduled 2 concerts, shopping at the Rose Bowl flea market, 2 dates and city bike ride.  Needless-to-say, a few things fell off, the most important being my sleep.  I told myself this time around in my #SingleLife, I would put myself first, and to never let my friends fall off.  And I’ve been struggling to try to find the balance of all of it.  All the while, I’m still actively trying to meet new boys on what ever flavor-of-the-week dating app I chose to be on.  I think I may be doing just a bit too much.

I had scheduled to meet a new boy (again, not even name worthy on here) for a Saturday brunch.  Am I attracted to him?  Ehhhh.  He Aiight.  I feel like all I want is some company, conversation and attention.  So I’m not even really being picky about the dates I chose. Plot twist:  he lives in my same apartment complex.  Ew.  I know.  You should never shit where you eat.  However, I already gave the guy my phone number before we established this.  Come Saturday morning, I roll over to pull the covers over my head, as again, it’s way to bright in my apartment. The pounding in my head rings a little too true of the fact that I’ve been over-doing it.  After last night’s concert, my best friend, Kimba and I decide to go bar hopping around Hollywood.  Leading to too many drinks that brings this hangover to it’s full light and some violent midnight puking.  I’m definitely not in any shape to try to put on coat of mascara or try to impress a boy, who I’m not even really impressed by.  With every intention of flaking on the dude… I send out a quick “Good Morning” text to see if we would still be on for lunch.   He doesn’t reply back right away to which I’m thankful.  5 minutes later I get a knock-knock text notifications and it’s Cover Girl hitting me up to see if I’m game for a shopping expedition.  Duh.  Bye Boy. As I hop into my car, I get a call from a number I don’t recognize, so of course I don’t answer, realizing later that it was Brunch Dude. Oops.  I’ve gotten a little too comfortable flaking on these boys recently, that I’m curious if I’m setting into motion some negative dating Karma in my future.

Originally I planned for a double-date-Saturday.  Brunch Dude in the morning.  Go home sleep.  And then evening date plans with Rebound Babe.  Unfortunately the bad friend in me, didn’t realize/think about trying to plan something fun Cover Girl since it was her birthday.  Oops.  So of course, cancelling all my plans with my boys to hang with my girl became the schedule for my Saturday.  The cancelling of my plans with Rebound Babe sets him off, and he immediately expresses his disappointment with the onslaught of a guilt trip.  I recognize the play.  Purely because it’s the same ball I throw when I’m trying to get it back into my court.  I apologize incessantly, and the promise of, “Please let me make it up to you” again exits my mouth.  It appears like I’m repeating the same mistakes from FuckYeah, I guess a girl doesn’t learn her lesson. The guilt trip texts continue through out the night as my trio of Good Good Girlfriends make our way though the City of Angels.

Sunday morning arises… and somehow through my old lady hungover state, I manage to convince Rebound Babe to come up to LA and take care of me. Damn, I’m good. However, he insists that we eat first and that he’ll swoop me up.  I Yelp to see what’s the best local pizza joint, and decide that the only thing that will help to settle my upturned stomach is some hearty Chicago Deep Dish Pizza! The silver Mercedes chariot awaits me as make my stumble down the street and hop in.  Glancing over at Rebound Babe, he gleams a smile at me that makes me forget that my head is literally in a vise.  With both hands he cups my face and gently presses his lips against mine.  What is it about his kisses that draw me to him?  How can something as simple as a kiss keep me coming back for more? It’s like a freshly baked chocolate molten lava cake.  Sweet, warm, delicious.  He turns onto Sunset Blvd and places his hand along the inside of my leg.  The warm of his hand acts as a barrier to shelter me from the whole world, and the vise around my head is slowly being turned lefty-loosey.

We park a few blocks away from the restaurant and begin our walk over.  Since we both are commiserating in our hungover states, we can barely walk together in unison as we usually do.  Taking off beat steps, our arms sway in the opposite direction and in every other step, our hands nervously bump each other.  There’s a pause in the sway each time, as if we don’t know whether or not to take hold of each others hands.  How strange this feeling is. Not 10 minutes ago, I felt as if there was no other place I would rather be.  But now, in the sunlight for all to see, I’m nervous about displaying our affection towards one another.  Which makes me believe and think that maybe I’m not ready for how quickly Rebound Babe is sharing his affection towards me.  Or, how uncomfortable that I am with publicly displaying the affection towards any man that is not my #whiteboy.

As we sit in the restaurant and sip on our cider and beers, the usual playful banter begins.  And of course, the fact that I cancelled our plans from the night prior comes up. He continues to poke fun, and makes bullet points of all the ways that I can try to make it up to him. We laugh at the ridiculousness of his requests, and he says, “It’s ok Momo… I still love you.”

Major loud PAUSE.

Uhhhh.

Is this just a friendly playful comment?  Or is he honestly trying to tell me something?  I of course, do not reply or even address the comment.  I take another sip of my cider and change the topic.

Later that evening we’re in bed doing what we do. And in that slow sensual dance that he does so well, in between thrusts, he whispers something like, “I love… “, then a quick pause, “the way you feel.”

What is it with all this LOVE talk?  Is he actually trying to confess the feelings that he’s had for me all these years?  Is he misplacing his love from his ex-fiance to the next girl? Is he saying what he needs to say just to get what he wants from me?  I really have no idea.  But it’s definitely way too soon for all this talk.  Even if we’ve known each other for 7 years… this is just a little premature for me.

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