CodeRed

A few days after signing up, I get an email from CodeRed.  It was a quick, short note teasing me about how hard it is to be “a hot bartender with guys always hitting on me.”  I “LOL-ed” and I realize that maybe it does sound stupid, considering the 2 jobs I have are very social, and yet I can’t seem to find a man.  I appreciate the verbal lashing, and send him a quip right back.  This volley of teasing happens back and forth over the next 20 minutes, until he finally gives me his number.  Memories of AOL chat rooms flash through my head as I stare at the phone number.  EW.  Am I really about to contact this guy and actually give him my real number?! I stare at it and contemplate making the actual connection for the rest of the night.  I finally send him a text before going into work, and a squeal of excitement rings through my body.  Connection 1 Complete.

Not really knowing what to expect or how to take this first interaction, I still want to make CodeRed do all the work.  He has my number, hopefully he uses it.  And just like meeting a boy at a bar, the random texts begin.  An onslaught of meaningless jarbled texts come my way.  Instantly my regret of giving this guy my actual number hovers like a cloud over my head.  Great, out of all the men I decide to meet on here, I get the guy who likes to send drunk texts, so much for meeting someone outside of a bar. However, still bored with no other prospects, I continue the communication with this guy over the next few days, and we end up making pretty loose plans to hang out on a Monday.

Getting through my Monday of work and yoga was like a grocery list that never seemed to end; with this first date almost starting to seem like another “task” that I needed to complete.  At no time has CodeRed decided to call me, and our communication continues through text messages that are now starting to bother me.  Sitting in the locker room waiting for yoga to begin, I text and ask where we are going to meet, and what are we going to do.  CodeRed has made no plans.

WTF?

Everything about CodeRed is starting to frustrate me.  I ask him what he’s in the mood for? Is he hungry? What city he wants to meet me in?  All answers are, “Wherever.  You decide.”  Are you freaking kidding me?  Is this how he is going to try to win my affections.  This dating thing is bullshit.  I’m a freaking LADY.  Be a MAN and make some plans!  Of course all of this is running through my head, and never comes across through the texts.  I make plans for us to meet in Downtown Long Beach.  Plenty of restaurants and bars, if anything we can just take a stroll around town.  I finish class, get ready and head straight over to our meeting spot, starting to feel a little anxious and excitement as I drive across town.  Running 5 minutes late as usual, I hurry into the parking garage, check my lipstick in the mirror, grab my coat, and run into the restaurant.

In meeting CodeRed I’m actually surprised how calm and relaxed he his.  Almost like a “seasoned dater”.  Looking at his body language and mannerisms, I take mental notes to remind myself to be this relaxed when meeting someone for the first time.  Conversation seems to flow pretty easily as we eat our sushi and talk about all the random chit-chatter that comes to our minds.  The entire time I sit there, I think about how strange this entire thing is.  I mean, we met online!!!  And it hasn’t come up into our conversation once!  This obviously being my first experience, I felt like was the more awkward one!  Trying to remember every weird thing he says and does so I can tell my girlfriends about it when I get into my car and laugh about the entire thing on my drive home.

As I reach for another spicy tuna roll, I hear a faint ringing.  Is that my phone?  Knowing its bad form to check a cellphone during a date, I do it anyway and notice that I have 15 missed calls.  Most of whom came from my parents and brother.  Freaking out, I answer my dad’s call and immediately ask him if they are ok.  With a sigh of relief my dad yells out, “ME?  ARE YOU OKAY?! There’s an officer here at the house and says that your car was involved in an accident and we can’t get ahold of you!”

Confusion spins me out of my chair, looking up through the restaurant window I see my car attached to a tow truck getting pulled out of the parking structure.  I scream out, “Wait!  They’re towing my car!  THAT’S MY CAR!”  I run out of the restaurant, across the street and try speaking with the officer.  Officer Benson was not amused by my antics.  I argue with her trying to figure out what exactly happened, as she appears to want to arrest me.  Convinced that I committed a “Hit & Run”, she threatens and interrogates me.  With quite a public display of chaos, my date also runs across the street to see what the hell is going on.  Almost having a look of relief on his face as he realizes I didn’t pull the “A-friend-calls-sick-so-you-have-to-leave-a-really-bad-date” card on him.

Finishing up with the entire fiasco, I realize that I was in such a rush to get to this date, that I forgot to put my emergency brake on.  My car rolled out of its space and hit another car.  Embarrassment consumes me and cannot stop laughing about the entire thing.  How freaking EMBARRASSING!!!!!!  I meet a boy online, and my car gets into an accident on our first date.  I am a winner.  Yes.   This is why Maureen is still single.

Maureen

Maureen. 

Maureen is mean.

Maureen is lovely.

Maureen is Maureen.

Maureen is single.

I’ve lived most of my youth as being someone’s girlfriend.  Most people would call me a serial monogamist.  I tend to nest in every relationship I’ve had, making the most of every relationship; I’d give 100% even when it wasn’t reciprocated.  The last relationship I had, I realized I had had enough, broke up with the idiot, and decided it was time to focus on myself.  I believe that personal growth occurs while you’re single.  You realize who your friends are, what you’re willing to put up with, and HOW BORED you really are.

During this “really boring period” I decided to join a dating website.

Man.

Who would have ever thought that I would ever sign up for a dating website?  So many thoughts run through your head as you begin to write out your profile, tell them your interests, and places you want to visit.  The one main thought that ran through my head was, “Man… I hope I don’t find anyone on here that I know.”  How embarrassing would that be?  I’m not too sure why there’s such a shame that develops with telling people that you “met someone on-line,” but regardless, that feeling is there.  You begin to think, “My profile sounds so damn generic,” but leave it the way it is, post up some pictures I have on Facebook, and see what develops.  

Instantly I am sent an email with 12 daily matches, and a couple “winks” from some extremely grotesque 50-year-old men.  Wow.  Good job Match.com.  So I search through these random matches, 2 of which I think, “Huh?  Okay… this might work.”  Close the top to my laptop, exhausted with embarrassment.  Not knowing necessarily what to expect of this, but hey lets give it a shot.  

The very next day I get another wink and an email saying,”You’re so freaking hot!  How about a random night with me… get tipsy, and maybe eat some Doritos!???”  I laugh my ass off as I look at the picture and realize it’s my friend who has written to me, purely to call me out that I have now officially joined the online dating scene.  DAMN!  1 day and I’ve been caught.  Who else is going to find me on this? I begin to accept the fact that I am doing this, and cannot wait to see what this will bring about.  Single Maureen. I love it.